There are those nights…
When you just get lonely. Reflecting on your life, you realize that for some reason the great things don’t seem to matter—the negatives just shadow over them completely. You can hear your roommates breathing, sound asleep. But you can’t even imagine yourself going to sleep. Your mind is racing. Why aren’t you as happy as you want to be, as you should be? Why can’t you just be grateful? Why does there always have to be more? And you want to be happy—you want to walk down the street smiling. But there’s that one thing holding you back. It’s something you don’t want to admit to anybody; it’s something that drives you crazy every day, that drives your self confidence to the ground. And it’s torturing you. It’s the massive shadow over your life. And you lay in bed and cry silently. You want someone to talk to, but you have people to talk to. But you want someone else, someone who really seems to care, someone to lean on. You don’t have that person, so you might as well not have anyone. So you just let the tears come. Because you’re lonely.
I keep coming across the phrase “be who you’ve always wanted to be.” Every time I’ve seen it over the past couple of week, I’ve thought “oh hey, that’s exactly what I’m doing; everything is going to be okay.” Today, though, when I read over it, I realized that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. And I’m okay with that.
What have I always wanted to be? A corporate lawyer. A fashion intern. An amazing student. A wife and mother. A jetsetter. A princess (I thought it died down, but then Kate Middleton came around). Maybe I can accomplish that all, but I don’t want to spend my entire life chasing multiple dreams. Why can’t I just have one clear path?
How have I always wanted to feel? Accepted. Loved. Accomplished. Beautiful. Intelligent. My problem? I’ve been depending on others for these feelings, completely forgetting about myself. But somebody can tell me I’m beautiful over and over again and it doesn’t matter if I don’t believe it myself.
So, right now, if I were to become who I’ve always wanted to be, I don’t know who I would be. Because it changes everyday; I tack on more and more to the list as I learn new things about myself. And I’ve come to realize that I learn something new about myself everyday. And I’m okay with that. I’m excited about that. I’m ready to embrace new things, new feelings, and new possibilities.
I’m throwing out the friendships that ruin and exhaust me. I’m taking every opportunity I have and spending it with the people I love. I’m traveling as much as I can. I’m studying and preparing for school more than I ever have. And I’m working on me—physically and mentally, for the long run.
I’m finally ready to move on from who I was yesterday.
A Fresh Start
Yes, this is one of those “new year, new me” posts, and while I’m about seven months late on the new year part, it’s all the same. There’s something magical about motivation, plans, dreams. They all link together to form the perfect distraction, and a healthy one at that. Instead of the usual distractions of bored eating, watching hours of tv (though I’m still completely guilty of that), and biting my nails, I have these new distractions that keep me driven, confident, and happy.
I have the motivation to make plans happen. From eating healthy and working out to being a killer student and participating in amazing extracurriculars, everything I do goes toward the end goal. This winter I’m going to London for New Years with my best friend. And you know what? I’m going to look damn good and feel damn good in my New Years dress because I’m already making progress in the area of confidence. I’m going to be stress free after receiving impressive grades, and I’m going to use the trip as the perfect escape from my busy schedule. If you haven’t already guessed, I’m counting down the days!
With plans such as London in the winter, Cancun for Thanksgiving, Greece in the summer—even Hawaii next month—I constantly have something to look forward to, to strive for. I’m going to work my ass off to make these plans happen and make sure they’re worthwhile. I also plan on having an amazing internship next summer. I’m looking in London, in LA, and in New York, looking for something that will give me the chance to explore, experience something new, and learn so much.
The happiness I get from these plans gives me the freedom and courage to dream. I dream about my future, about tomorrow, and about things that are probably never going to happen (hello, best friendship with Selena Gomez!). If anyone has heard my 10 year plan, then you know my comfort with dreaming!
These things let me forget the petty stuff—heartbreak, lack of self-esteem, stress. They push all of those things that tire me out on a daily basis to the back of my mind and make room for new things like chai lattes and moving to LA and discovering new things about myself and new possibilities.
I’m so happy right now, it’s crazy. And I’m so ready for my new life to begin! Right now.